I am going to bend the blog rules tonight. The rule is that I may only post positive things. I like that rule. It keeps me from going down some dark path lined with curse words, dark thoughts and vitriol. However tonight I am so blue, I am headed fast for ultraviolet. And thus I am allowing my blueness to invade this entry.
Had an argument tonight. My issue was valid and infinitely important to me. That importance led to me to handling a situation poorly…very poorly. Though I couldn’t apologize enough for my actions and what resulted from them I am sure, It left me with know way to win the argument (not import), and rendered it nearly impossible to have my issue and feelings taken seriously. Instead it is al but determined that I should be left behind in the future to save anyone from needing to worry about my feelings and or reactions (not my words, I can’t make this stuff up.) . I am a bit left behind on the reasoning of how this protects my feels in any way. Unfortunately, I handled things so poorly in the beginning and better in the middle but still not as good as I could have. In the end it became in an exercise in futility. I sit now in many ways feeling worse than I was when it happened and lower than I have in a long run. Never ask someone to stop having fun because you are physically sick, mid anxiety attack, and all round unable to cope in the moment. You will lose in the end every time.
If you cannot read the poem on the picture and don’t want to click on the picture to read it on the full-size version, then here you go. Just read on. It seemed rather apropos.
The Two Depressing Things
A most depressing thing occurs
But no one minds and no one stirs.
Which means you’ve ended up with two
Depressing things depressing you.
Another issue that I saw. I found this on the internet. Its a modification of a message on a t-shirt I had in the early 80s.
Doing a kindness for others is like wetting your pants in a dark suit…
It gives you a warm feeling but no one seems to notice.
I remembered the shirt and how I thought it was so sarcastic that it was funny. When it becomes your reality it is neither sarcastic OR funny. Yes I know the good work should be done without expectation of a of gratitude. But sometimes a little thank you, a hand shake, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, kind words…..well whatever would be nice. I won’t stop doing them but it would be unbelievably wonderful to get that expression of gratitude. In fact it would be enough just to know that it was noticed.
There are other thoughts preying on my mind but I fear that this post is already be taken for whining. Maybe I am. I don’t know, but I need the outlet and perhaps a reader somewhere can offer words to help.
You know I wrote my entry about my back issues, and I commented on politics once or twice, all bending the rules. But I think is may be the bluest entry I have made.