Hammer Time? No, YoYo Time.

Sometimes, not always, but every now and then getting better is actually getting worse. Things started looking up. This is good right? Well I thought so too. Then as I was on my less than meteoric rise to normalcy, I hit a bump and dropped back a bit. Didn’t last long, but it was enough to sow me that I had gotten used to feeling bad and was no longer so acclimated. The rise started up again and then anpther dip. the dips are brief in the grand scheme of things, not more than a couple of hours. However, it can actually be easier to cope with in the downs when you just stay down. You sort of become numb to it. I wish that I could either just get up and stay up or that I could figure out what triggers the dips . So that I can avoid them.

For those who know me best, the picture and its caption will make MUCH more sense.

In case you were wondering…..

I am feeling a bit better compared to my last entry. Stll really low but now hope springs eternal. What has changed to bring to a new path? ” Well, some is me working to change my thinking. Another thing is those you count on coming through. It tends to uplift one when you receive a genuine hug and even some time with who and where you want to be. I have a ways to go in getting buck on top, but I do have hope that I will. hang in there in your prayers for me and I’ll do the same.

A back rub would really hit the spot.

Wonder where this guy works out of. would certainly be interesting.

Doing a Kindness

I am going to bend the blog rules tonight. The rule is that I may only post positive things. I like that rule. It keeps me from going down some dark path lined with curse words, dark thoughts and vitriol. However tonight I am so blue, I am headed fast for ultraviolet. And thus I am allowing my blueness to invade this entry.

Had an argument tonight. My issue was valid and infinitely important to me. That importance led to me to handling a situation poorly…very poorly. Though I couldn’t apologize enough for my actions and what resulted from them I am sure, It left me with know way to win the argument (not import), and rendered it nearly impossible to have my issue and feelings taken seriously. Instead it is al but determined that I should be left behind in the future to save anyone from needing to worry about my feelings and or reactions (not my words, I can’t make this stuff up.) . I am a bit left behind on the reasoning of how this protects my feels in any way. Unfortunately, I handled things so poorly in the beginning and better in the middle but still not as good as I could have. In the end it became in an exercise in futility. I sit now in many ways feeling worse than I was when it happened and lower than I have in a long run. Never ask someone to stop having fun because you are physically sick, mid anxiety attack, and all round unable to cope in the moment. You will lose in the end every time.

If you cannot read the poem on the picture and don’t want to click on the picture to read it on the full-size version, then here you go. Just read on. It seemed rather apropos.

The Two Depressing Things

A most depressing thing occurs
But no one minds and no one stirs.
Which means you’ve ended up with two
Depressing things depressing you.

Another issue that I saw. I found this on the internet. Its a modification of a message on a t-shirt I had in the early 80s.

Doing a kindness for others is like wetting your pants in a dark suit…
It gives you a warm feeling but no one seems to notice.

I remembered the shirt and how I thought it was so sarcastic that it was funny. When it becomes your reality it is neither sarcastic OR funny. Yes I know the good work should be done without expectation of a of gratitude. But sometimes a little thank you, a hand shake, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, kind words…..well whatever would be nice. I won’t stop doing them but it would be unbelievably wonderful to get that expression of gratitude. In fact it would be enough just to know that it was noticed.

There are other thoughts preying on my mind but I fear that this post is already be taken for whining. Maybe I am. I don’t know, but I need the outlet and perhaps a reader somewhere can offer words to help.

You know I wrote my entry about my back issues, and I commented on politics once or twice, all bending the rules. But I think is may be the bluest entry I have made.

Never Ending Pain

pain stinks. No really it does. And it smells worse as it drags on for weeks literally. Not long after moving into our new house, while I was tring to work on unpacking, I lifted a box the wrong way. Well that translates to a moderate case of lower back pain. A day later it is more than modeerate. The third day it morphs into a pinched nerve in my right hip. Days went on and on and the conly comfortable position was walking. Sitting, standing, laying all were hoorrid. Then one day it began to feel better. 1 day of normal movement and I reach to change the channel on the cable box and pull a muscle in my neck (nothing new. been there done that). Problem is We are currently sleeping on this horrid EVIL mattress. Hence as the next few days moved on it was the same growth issue as the last back pain. 3 or 4 days in and the pain extends down my neck along the inside of my shoulder blade, In addition, it extends now down my neck around along my clavicle and down the outside of my upper arm. Sleep is nearly impossible and there IS no comfortable position. Waking at night is a major bad idea. The pain alone from sleeping in the wrong position (is there a right one?) is enough to guarantee it will take ten minutes to rise from bed. then 30 minutes to find a spot sufficiently less painful to fall back to sleep. All I can say is I blame it on my nightmare concrete mattress. I have hurt my back before but never has it gotten steadily worse like this.

Do You Have Any Idea…

…how hard it is to be romantic when you have spent the last 20 years or more trying (with a fair amount of success I might add) to be romantic. I mean…when you do so many of the tiny romantic things as a matter of course through the day….well those things lose their kick. Now don’t get me wrong. I am No Don Juan Casanova. Its just the big stuff has begun to feel so played out and forced that I feel lost. Nearing 21 years of Marriage and 7 kids total and all the stress of illness in life leaves one wondering what he can do to be romantic. the same numbers above change a person physically and when the one you are feeling amorous towards doesnt believe you high opinion of them the ding comes two-fold. You feel hurt that they don’t believe you and the miss out on how good you actually think they look/are. So much of the literature I have been able to find out there has been geared towards newly weds or marriages on the verge of collapse. I don’t claim that I made a perfect marriage but it honestly is not something I would claim to be on the outs. Yes I know that I could take eiher of these to work but in the case of the marriage on collapse… well I have already been doing the vast majority of the suggestions because I always want to be better for my spouse. (lord knows I have enough bad sides.) Then you look at the newlyweds and it is either completely fake or more often than not completely and totally impossible. I can’t exactly say sweet we are taking off for a romantic getaway tonight when I have 6 kids at home. Sheesh, we can’t even get 15 minutes alone and quiet in our own bedroom. In the middle of the night the 2 year old is in bed between us. So I am not trying to whine (yes I know I am accomplishing it, try or not). I am just trying to vent so that I can dive back in to trying to find an answer.

I did find rinkworks.com which had a humorous take on how to be romantic. Here is an excerpt from there entry.

Pet Names

To be romantic, you have to call each other names carefully crafted to make yourself and everyone around you throw up. This romance technique doubles as a passion meter way more accurate than those quarter eating machines in arcades; if you use these pet names and don’t throw up, you’re genuinely in love.

Here’s how to construct your own pet name. Mix up the syllables “pook,” “wee,” “hon,” “oop,” and “ums,” (never use the syllables “skuzz” or “elch”), rhyme a lot, and make liberal references to baked goods. For example, (WARNING! WARNING! TURN YOUR FACE AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!), “Sweetie Pumpkin Pookums” is a perfectly acceptable and effective pet name, as are “Moopsie Cutie,” “Hunny Wunny Cakes,” and, for the extravagant, “Snookie Wookum Weetie Bunny Pie.” (It may seem odd to novices that cooked rodents would be romantic, but they are.) For best results, speak these pet names with a big dumb grin, an admiring gaze, and a high-pitched squeal, and follow it up with an exaggerated sigh of dreamy contentment. The most important thing to remember about this is never ever do this in front of me.

If you need help coming up with a suitable mooshy pet name, we at RinkWorks have provided a service to help. Visit Fantasy Name Generator and select “Mushy Names.”

Much Ado About Something

O that he were here to write me down an ass. But masters, remember that I am an ass: though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass.
–Dogberry from Much Ado About Nothing–

It has been tremendously, horribly exhausting day. The morning was early and then led to emotionally taxing time to lunch. was revolting and remained uneaten. The afternoon stank big time and that just set the stage for the evening and a major let down and ego destroyer upside the head. Somebody remind me again why I am still trying. I know that this to shall pass but it doesn’t make days like this suck any less. I can now see how someone like Dogberry could be such a complete and total idiot in the truest sense of the word and yet still be content and even happy. is it OK to ask to exchange one disability for complete stupidity?

I Shed Tears Today

This is NOT one of 1th commandment “Thou shalt forward all messages” posts. I swear. It’s just that I have been physically unable to shed actual tears for nearly 20 years. This issue was one that has troubled me greatly. When my grandmother died, not a tear at the funeral. When my Mandy died, and I found her, and I had to bury her in frozen ground (a long and arduous task as I only had a coal shovel with which to dig) I shed not one tear. It has been harder than you might think. I am a man after all. Then today I found this. This one pulled an old Yeller on me and made me cry. Literally, I cried. I shed TEARS. I most remember one dropping from the tip of my nose as I leaned on Mary. What hit me was a couple of the pictures that told me this could have been one of MY girls. It also hit on another point. Please look and listen and then think of how bad it was and that you would only need to change her skin to brown and she would have been called illegal here in America today. She left Germany and fled to Amsterdam to find safety. She broke the laws in feeing. She lived terror ever day that THEY would come for her and her family. Sound like a familiar life?

Now, all politics aside, please…PLEASE watch this video. If can break a stone heart and allow tears to shed again for me…..what can it do for you?

Just Put One Foot In Front Of The Other

Gio took his first steps today! He walked on step without falling and then later he let go of the chair he was using for support and walked 5 steps unassisted to me. That has GOT to be on of the top ten all time coolest things for a guy to experience. Having your child take those first steps to you is amazing.

I credit it all to probably the greatest motivational song of all time.

Kris and Winter

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walkin’ ‘cross the flo-o-or
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walkin’ out the door.

You never will get where you’re goin’
If you never get up on your feet
Come on! There’s a good tail wind blowin’
A fast walkin’ man is hard to beat!

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walkin ‘cross the flo-o-or
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walkin’ out the door.

If you want to change your direction
If you’re time of life is at hand
Well don’t be the rule — be the exception
A good way to start is to stand.

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walkin ‘cross the flo-o-or
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walkin’ out the door.

If I want to change the reflection
I see in the mirror each morn
Oh, you do?!
You mean that it’s just my election
Just that!
To vote for a chance to be reborn.

You put one foot in front of the other
And soon you are walkin’ ‘cross the flo-o-or
You put one foot in front of the other
And soon you are walkin’ out the door.

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you are walkin ‘cross the flo-o-or
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walkin’ out the door!

3 Movies That I Want

Sometimes when I am wanting to blog and can’t think of a good story to tell, I try surfing and instead of just finding some random weirdness I find something that I want. This time it is 3 videos I would like to get on DVD.

This one has always been a favorite but not one you see even on TV. I really want this one. The Legend of the Lone Ranger is a movie I would love my boys to see as well. One note of interest that I got from IMDB is that this movie is the only role that Klinton Spilsbury who played the part of the Lone Ranger ever appeared in. He was not in any other movie or in any play.

The next movie is another even MORE obscure title. Rock and Rule is a triumph of western animation. The music is really cool too. I even like the story line. I remember the first time I saw it was on the old cable station Spotlight while spending the night at my friend Kenny’s house. Sometimes I wonder if I like these movies just for the movie itself or for the childhood memories associated to them. IMDB.com has some interesting tid bits o his one as well. This film is the first Canadian animated feature film entirely produced in Canada itself.

This one has been on my wishlist at Amazon.com for several years now. Mr Majestyk is like the first “tough guy” movie that I remember seeing. I mean Charles Bronson shaped himself to be my idea of tough dudes. I mean with a tagline like “He didn’t want to be hero… until the day they pushed him too far.” what can you expect but wicked mean dude. On IMDB.com you can find that Charles Bronson was born Charles Buchinski, one of 14 children of struggling Lithuanian immigrant parents in Pennsylvania (his father was a coal miner).

If you have a bladder…

…then you may as well NEVER go to North College Hill in Cincinnati, Ohio. WE have been having to take Katie up to North College Hill for her program every day for the past couple of weeks. Today we started early (530 AM) because we had alot to accomplish before we went up there. We stopped at Kroger and I grabbed a 24 oz diet coke and headed on down the road. We made a couple stops and then Mary wanted McD’s for breakfast. Having polished off my diet coke I ordered a 32 oz diet coke for breakfast from McD’s. Our running continued and then when we got to Katie’s place and we had to meet with some people there. An hour for the meeting and we left. that’s when it hit. 56 oz of coke converged on my Bladder. I broke into a cold sweat. As we drove along we first came to a UDF. Mary wanted a malt and I was sure they would be a bathroom there. I was wrong, and after Mary got her malt as we left my right eye began to twitch. WE drove a bit further and there was a KFC and Taco Bell ahead. A quick whip into the parking lot and I jump out of the car and sprint to the door only to find the restaurant is not open yet. While walking the long walk back to the minivan my left eye began to blink uncontrollably and the twitch on the right eye sped up with my urgency. I took a fast turn out of the parking lot to go the wrong way on a one way street and get back on the main drag. AHAH! Ahead I spy a BP gas station. All Gas Stations have restrooms, especially gas stations that big, right? Wrong! As I walked up to the gas station, My bladder decided to enlist the help of my rear to get me motivated to find a restroom. About this point is where the guy at the counter told me that NO, they do NOT have a bathroom. He was kind enough however to point me to the White Castle across the way which was both open AND had a restroom. So, knees locked, I ran stiff legged back to the minivan. Another wrong way turn on a one way street and I found myself pulling into the lot. A murmured a prayer to whatever deity handles such situations and fell out of the van in an all out maddened run for the door of the building. It was shortly after this that I ran into the mens room door with enough force to scare the proverbial “crap” out of the guy who was inside with the door locked. He quickly vacated and I was a able to find sweet relief. I cleaned up and staggered out to the van and on down the road.

The moral of this story? If you have a bladder you may as well not go to North College Hill because they don’t have bathrooms there!