My son pooped in the front yard.

My teenage daughter, Nyoka, ate dinner with our Amish neighbors tonight. I was sitting here at my computer beginning to blog a blog that I can’t even remember right now. Nyoka waked in the door and said, “Hurf lurn nurf gurf furf furf fur, furf.” I knew whe had said something important from her tone of voice. I just couldnt get my brain to wrap around what it was. I growled and told her to speak English. Exasperated, she repeated,”Hurf lurn nurf gurf furf furf fur, furf.” Now I was beginning to get angry. So, I turned to mom. “What the HECK is she talking about?!?” Mom replied equally as angry,” She SAID YOUR SON JUST POOPED IN THE FRONT YARD.”(My son of course now) I turned and yep, the baby is in his play pen. Turn the other way, and Mik is on the other Computer. “DAMMIT GIO!!! Mary deal with him because If I do I will beat him.”

Mary asks Gio if he did something outside.

Gio: Yes

Mary: What?

Gio: I played in the chocolate milk water.

Mary: You what?

Joee: I told him the water in the puddles was Chocolate Milk.

Mary: (Achieving a whole new level of Exasperation) Gio, Why did you poop in the yard?

Gio: Because I wanted to poop in the yard.

Mary: Are you allowed to poop in the yard?

Gio: I can pee on the tree.

Mary: Are-you-allowed-to-poop-in-the-yard?

Gio: No

Mary: Then why did you?

Gio: Because I wanted to poop in the yard.

Mary: If you poop in the yard again, then you will not be allowed to even pee outside. (Tell me this is not a country boy’s nightmare.)

Mary then made Gio get Paper towels and go retrieve the offending poo and put it in the outside garbage can. She did this with a parting,”Somebody could step in it!”

I love my wife. I love my Kids. But dang, they make it hard sometimes.

Bless my heart.

I have severe allergy issues right now. My children have severe allergies too. I stopped at the Dollar Tree to get some nasal decongestant and allergy meds for myself and the kids. The store was pretty much a ghost town. No one working the Register. I looked around. All clear so IO farted. It came out louder than I expected. then the employee walked from behind me and around the register. She looked down at my meds, and antihistamine for the kids and pack of Kleenex and smiled sweetly at me and stated the following:

Bless Your Heart, Honey. (waiving her hands over my purchases) This stuff ain’t gon do nuthin for that mess.

All I could do was smile and pay her. At least it didn’t smell bad.

There is RUDENESS in the South

I know I know. Its hard to believe. Goes against everything that we have been taught. But….rudeness does in fact exist in the South. I found it myself. If it was just once then I would not blame it on the place. If it was just one Location then I would not blame it on the business. But it happened twice in two different establishments of the same name. Glasgow, Cave City, it doesn’t matter.

Let me explain. I am a tanner. I get super darlk. Benifit from the light exposure. And, lets just face it, It makes me feel like I look gooood. Just one hitch. if I use the 20 minute base level bed I burn..bad, and I break out in a nasty rash. So I must use the 12 minute bed. Silly I know. First world problem? Yes, for sure. Am I whining? probably, but it is what it is.

I went into the Glasgow location and asked about a monthly plan on the upper level bed. the girl wrinkled her nose, curled her lip, and told me they don’t do things at tanning beds around here. I asked if there was a way I could do a plan and use the 12 minute bed at all and she wiggled her head like a ghetto red hed ginger, and told me I would have to pay a surcharge each time I tanned and it wouldn’t be worth that. I asked if she knew of anyplace that did a plan on the 12 minute bed (big leap I know). Her response was to put her han on her hip and say “Uh! NO!”. Needless to say I left. Now that was 2 weeks ago. Today around lunchtime I stopped in the Cave City location(with they paper printout sign coming untaped off of the old tanning place’s front to show the old name.). I was met with the same (are you retarded sir?) rude attitude and answers. Only this time it was obvious I was interrupting her texting. She was at least kind enough to tell me that if I wanted to tan in a 12 minute bed that bad that I should go to Bowling Green.

Ha Ha. Jokes on her. I have a Snoop Dogg nd he gets 38 miles to the gallon. And, as soon as My Mechanic (a fine southern polite fella) gets done replacing his clutch, I will indeed do just that. I will take my tanning money further south…slightly, and to the west.

Too much news

My young son okay finished making a gift for his grandfather. I had told him o draw or write anything on it he wanted. Looking on it I noticed the initials U N S C. I asked what his was he told me, “that’s the United Nations Security Council and grandpa retired from the Army.”

If my son has been watching enough tv to watch enough news to know what the UNSC is then I don’t think its possible the boy is finding time to sleep.

Heesh

Only in a houseful of women

Woman #1: You need bullets!?!?!

Woman #2: I don’t use bullets! I use missiles!

Woman #1: Missiles?!?!?!?

Woman #2: Yeah Missiles. Or arrows. No WAIT! I don’t use Missiles. I use the WINGS like an airplane!!!

I will leave the title and the above conversation and your sick imagination to figure out what exactly these women were loudly discussing in my house for all my sons and I to hear.

Cyborg Gerbils

Today I encountered something that I have never seen before. Steel pins…electric wires…toilet paper…and megadoses of hair.

You MUST Click Here

I used a plumbing snake to clear a clog in the kids bathroom sink drain. What a pulled out of that pipe is destined to give me nightmares for months to come. It was just wrong. it truly looked like a cyborg Gerbil. NASTY! what was electrical wire doing down the bathroom sink? But 8 foot long teenage girl hairs make for one buff android rodent. funny thing…it smelled like cranberry juice tastes. ugh!

i couldn’t find a pic i liked searching for cyborg gerbil but i found this on Lanny-yap.

Hey, are you tired of leaving your small pets at home when you are out and about? Could you use a little more quality time with your gerbils, mice, hamsters or snakes? Well now your dreams have come true with the Gerbil Shirt! The Gerbil Shirt wraps your torso in plastic tube passageways, making your bod a super highway of fun for Binky and Bart. The interior surfaces are textured for traction and have air vents for easy breathing.

The inventor suggests you can clean the Gerbil Shirt by attaching it to a faucet (remove pets first please), and you should avoid collisions and falls that could cause pet panic. We give two thumbs up to this living fashion accessory and we can’t wait to see the toy poodle version.

Blogging for life…and I’m a bad parent

I am blogging right now for my own life. Or at least my own sanity. If I weren’t blogging, I would’ go upstairs right now (7 PM my time) go to bed and sleep forever or at least a long time. Instead I am hear to tell of yet another mighty adventure of one of my kids and such. So prepare yourselves to be amazed.

First let us be drawn into a lull similar to that I was enjoying at Target the other night. We were about to leave and Mary had gone to by some of that “wishful thinking” fresh popped popcorn they sell in the canteen. I had the kids and was checking out. I had loaded the last of our goods and turned to dig my wallet out of my hip pocket. Just as I turned back, Gio chose that moment to pull the perfect Superman stage dive from the seat of the cart to the black checkout conveyor belt to ride it down. Admittedly, not for the first time with this boy, I was stunned motionless. Of course this resulted in him nearly rolling off into the bags. It also resulted in me getting lots of bad parent stairs from the checkout clerk and other customers. Thats ok. I’m not a bad parent because I let my kid do that. I’m a bad parent because I secretly thought it was REALLY cool.

Somebody drag me out…

…into an open field an tie me to a large inanimate object and leave me for the buzzards and coyotes. I promise to go quietly except for some Whiney little girl noises. I have a big ol’ husband / dad / dude headache. I really do. Maybe in that order. Maybe not. When does the hurting stop? I need to be accosted by politically incorrect pigmy midgets and taken on exciting adventures in dinosaur infested lands and only returned when people will be beside themselves with joy at my return. Who can fell me on this? You know sort of a bilbo bag gone meets lost world adventure. Well since that’s not gonna happen, I’ll have to just whine and move on.

Potty Training a Household

This will likely just be a quick entry of cuteness and weirdness and weirdness. To start with the cuteness, baby feet are cute.

Now some of the weird. A couple of the women of my family have suddenly decided that last week was the necessary time to start potty train Gio. the result? the purchase of 9,647 pairs of toddler boys’ underwear. 9,646 pairs of toddler boys’ underwear peed in, 9,662 pooh-ed in pairs of toddler boys’ underwear (don’t question the math), 12 toilets peed in a total of 3 times in the last 8 days, 1 potty chair peed in 6 timed in the same 8 days, and one potty chair used as a drinking receptacle for ever pet in the entire house more times than I care to count (Gio likes to pour cups of water into the potty chair “whew!”). Yes, you may note that dad thinks that we are a bit off on our timing. Dad just doesn’t like the mere concept of deer poop-esque terds (<-for Mary) being cleaned out of cloth underdrillies in my sink/bathtub/floor. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! I SAID IT! Sorry had to pause and inform Mary that I do not fart when I blog. I actually don't bat it was actually a subtle reminder that all are to leave me alone when I am blogging so I can maintain my train of thought. I have 8 chillies. My first 6 chillies all but trained them selves. no scheduled trips to the potty. no accidents. no cleaning balled up or mashed up poohness off of cloth. All attempts by relatives failed miserably. they always came home went back to status quo and in there own time made the transition swiftly and smoothly and smoothly and without any hitches. They were all done in plenty of time for Preschool too. There is hope people. I would write a book, but I don't care enough and it would be to short to make any money. Yes sean is feelin SAUCY today!